Jumpers that will get you Laid
There are jumpers that will keep you warm, and there are jumpers that will get you laid this winter…
Gucci by Tom Ford Fall/Winter 2001
Perhaps you have been lured in by the black angora and mink fur jumper that is draped off the collarbone from Gucci FW 2001 on the cover of this blogpost,
Sex appeal in a sweater- Immediately laid.
So what kind of jumper will get you laid? How can one include such a deviant jumper in a Christmas list to Granny?
There are two seemingly evident ingredients for a jumper that will get you laid: The quality of material and the subtly of the cut.
As much as I hate to bring such a disruptive claim to fashion writing telling you that quality = sexy= laid- it’s such details that are noticeable, and it’s all catered to primal instict.
When a jumper is carved in a certain a way or pruned around the neckline to reveal a dash of shoulder or when a man wears Italian Cashmere- we’re instinctively pulled in.
The trick to detecting a shaggable jumper, is that you’ve probably never heard of the brand, or to put it better, the brand sounds like a continental demon of a man you came across on a summer by the Mediterranean - Gaetano Navarra, Alessandro Dell’Acqua and J.C. de Castelbajac are good examples.
Below are some guiding of components for a jumper that will get you laid…
I) The Avant-Garde Jumper
There is something very erratically hot about avante-garde silhouettes, like a pirate tore off and slashed up your clothes with a cutlass.
It’s unusual, thus attractive, thus will get you laid.
Yohji Yamamoto Fall/Winter 2019
I recently bought a Rick Owens pearl-colour sweater in the avant-garde silhouette that Owens is renowned for. It’s swishy in material and rendered asymmetrically by the waistline. The best designers for avant-garde? Ann Demeulemeester, Yohji Yamamoto, Plein Sud, Dries Van Noten, Junya Watanabe and Margiela just to name a few.
Junya Watanabe Fall/Winter 2011
Rick Owens from my wardrobe
II) The Turtleneck
The turtleneck is sleek and slinky. It’s the sexiest item of clothing in the least glaring way possible- the turtleneck is for the minx. The Helmut Lang-wearing, stockings-under-attire, borderline orthorexic, office siren.
And the turtleneck can be worn in two ways, form-fitting alike the white Fendi turtleneck pictured below or billowy like in the A.W.A.K.E Fall/Winter 2023 collection.
Fendi Fall/Winter 2023
I’ve included a detail from a turtleneck from a D&G Fall/Winter 2002 collection because I want to highlight the thickness of the ribbed sweater around the neck. It’s sexy in an almost stuffy way, like how many find themselves peculiarly attracted to glasses or that one stale looking teacher from school with prickly clothes but a great jaw.
Dolce and Gabbanna Fall/Winter 2002
III) The Jumper that Doesn’t Really Fit
Flesh is sexy- jumpers that are loosely and flimsily swathed to reveal collarbone, shoulder or even back, will get you laid. It’s really important to look like you are mid-undressing at all times.
Mariella Burani Fall/Winter 2003
And I can’t really talk about sexy and subtle without mentioning Gucci by Tom Ford between 1994-2004, where models wore silk blouses buttoned down to the bra whilst oiled and sweaty looking.
Tom Ford designed backless knit tops and the epitome of looking ‘mid-undressing’ with the deep neckline of the oversized heavy-knit black sweater woven with fox fur and silk ribbon below from 2002.
Gucci Fall/Winter 2002
Not only is the high-caliber quality and flattering silhouette of a jumper attractive on a primal level- it indicates self-investment, taste, and a degree of thoughtfulness in both the men and women curating their jumpers.
Dirk Bikkembergs Mens Fall/Winter 2017
Take the above sweater from Dirk Bikkembergs as an example: it is quite literally just a white polo-neck, however it’s the thickness due to the knitting of fibre on bigger needles using chunkier yarn makes this jumper really hot. It’s bulky, huggable, and a fast-track to getting laid in the colder seasons.
When I discuss all of this, it really makes me think of the whole notion of the post-sexual revolution, corporate-sexy, Sex and the City, metropolitan woman. These women were working like men and sleeping around like men, and had the budget for the first time in high-power jobs to really orchestrate a wardrobe. And no one was getting laid like Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City.
You know who else was getting laid in the wintertime? Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal in ‘When Harry Met Sally’
